one year later
It struck me the other day as I was wandering around the downtown area of my adopted city that it’s nice to finally be content with everything.
On the cusp of yet another year I’m coming back to the blog I started just about this time last year, with a whole new perspective on pretty much everything. I’m not going to sugar coat things: 2009 did not end well for me, and the early part of 2010 was an uphill battle, but it is ending on a peak and I can’t wait to see what ’11 has in store.
You may remember that early on this year, I blogged about taking steps to make myself happier with myself and my circumstances, and I’m happy to report that 2010 is culminating in success in those pursuits. If this is the first post on quarterlife confessions that you’re reading, I wouldn’t recommend going back and reading the earlier posts; honestly, it will just depress you. I skimmed over them again just to get an idea of where I’ve been over the past year, but now it’s time for a sunnier outlook as we all move into the future. I thought I’d reflect that through a sunnier design on the blog as well, so I hope you enjoy it.
My last post was in July, and much has changed since then. There’s no need for more at this point other than a quick recap, but I’ll do my best to get you caught up so you can see the reasons for my recent contentment and happiness.
A new job: my former position in news media was not only high-stress, it was not what I wanted to do long-term, not what I’d really ever wanted to do, which made it very difficult for me to stay motivated. I stayed in it a lot longer than I ever planned to do, mainly because I really didn’t know what else I could do, and it kept me stressed, unhappy and at constant odds with my boss because he translated my constant struggle to do the job into a complacent attitude on my part. When my regular schedule was changed to one that made me realize the job was only going to continue infringing on parts of my life that were more important to me, I knew it was time to start looking for something else.
Don’t misunderstand me: I highly value the time I spent in that business, and I will never regret the experience I gained doing that job for 4+ years. However, it’s a business that attracts Type-A personalities who live to work. I am probably one of the most laid-back people you’ll ever meet and while I want to have a job I enjoy and will always work as hard as I can in any job, I work to live, not the other way around. Those two personality traits alone would have made it clear that I wasn’t cut out to be in that business indefinitely.
So, long story slightly less long, I randomly came across a job posting on Craigslist for a “social media manager”. After two interviews and some salary negotiations, I decided to take this job, which, simply put, means I manage Facebook and Twitter accounts for a growing online retail company and do some other writing for them as well. I also get to work on the top floor of one of my city’s most recognizable landmarks, which is in and of itself pretty cool. So far I’m enjoying it a lot and I feel like it’s a big step in the right direction for me, personally and professionally.
A new relationship: Remember all that stuff I said about how I was spending 2010 working on being happier with myself? Around summer (just slightly before my last post in July) something just clicked, and I suddenly started feeling happier. I was socializing, I was making some changes, I was just enjoying myself, and… well, you know how they say it will happen when you least expect it to? I can now attribute to that. For the first time in my life, I think, I genuinely wasn’t looking, when this amazing person walked into my life and made his presence known. I’d never been pursued before, and although he certainly wasn’t pushy about it, something told me I’d regret it if I didn’t give it a chance.
We’re now approaching five months of dating, and while it’s still relatively early on, I already know I’m in the most stable, healthy, good-for-me relationship of my life. He has already become my best friend, which is how it’s supposed to be. Our families met for the first time this past weekend, and even that went extremely well; everyone meshes very well together. I’m so excited to see what the future holds for us.
So already, just having two major factors in my life fall into place has made a huge difference. Of course, there are still bad days, there are still little frustrations to deal with. It’s called life.
But I’ve always had this urge to flee when I’m unhappy, or at least discontent. Something disrupts my comfortable little life and I want to completely uproot it and start over somewhere else, and thank goodness I’m reasonable enough not to do that every time something goes wrong.
Something changed this year, however. I don’t know if it’s a sign of maturity or what. But something in me just said, “it’s okay to appreciate where you are and what you have, even if you don’t have everything you’d like to have right now.” When I started thinking that way, I started appreciating my surroundings. I started really enjoying the city I’ve chosen to live in. I’m now working and living near downtown and it’s made it much easier for me to take advantage of the culture of this town. I started appreciating the friendships I had, both old and new, as well as my place in my world. It’s made it all easier to truly be myself. And funnily enough, when I began taking that approach to things, the few things that I still sort of felt were missing in spite of myself… well, they all just sort of fell into place.
Nothing’s perfect, of course, and I have no doubt that somewhere along the way, something will threaten to shake my stability. But for now, it’s such a relief and such a joy to be able to say, I am content. I am happy.
i don’t wanna grow up.
It’s pretty amazing sometimes how your experiences help you learn more about yourself. After living totally alone for more than three years, I recently embarked on the adventure of having a roommate. I wasn’t totally sure what to expect going into it, except that I knew it’d be nice to have someone to talk to other than my cats for a change (I can’t deny I was starting to feel the eeeensiest bit like the crazy cat lady). I’d forgotten how nice it was to have someone around who actually cared where I was and what I was doing, and although I’ve had to ask my roommate to be patient with me while I get used to having another person in the house again, a close friendship has developed out of it, which has been a definite bonus.
Another bonus has been that whole avoiding isolation thing, which I know firsthand is dangerous business. Not that I never did anything with friends, not that I didn’t have very close friends who I knew were always there for me, but they all had their own busy lives too and became easy to fall into a routine of going to work, coming home, and laying around until I went to bed. That fueled the ability to feel sorry for myself , which I spent, I think, more than my fair share of time indulging. These days, I’ve reactivated my socialization, and I’ve found myself surrounded by loads of interesting, creative people, which is nice because we all thrive off of one another. I’m still busy and so is everyone else, but it’s nice to spend time with enjoyable company again. I think keeping up that momentum is going to go a long way toward helping me use my time in more productive ways.
This has done a few things for me. First of all, it’s helped me stop moping (those of you who have read this blog might have noticed that in the past it’s been a bit, shall we say, depressing?), it’s helped me to set goals in all aspects of my life that, while they are not without setbacks, ultimately are helping me be the person I want to be. Secondly, getting out of a rut is good because I tire easily of monotony and when I get to that point, I get antsy and want to change something drastic. I tend to be a little more content when I’m staying busy with new! interesting! things to do.
Finally, I’ve learned that I’m not quite as ready to be a “grown-up” as I once thought I was. Oh sure, I love the independence, but there was a time not so long ago that I envied my more-settled friends, those who’d chosen to go the route of marriage, home ownership, for some friends and acquaintances even parenthood (*shudder*). It’s not that I wouldn’t like to have any or all of those things eventually, but I’m not ready to be settled totally yet. I’m just not. I have realized that while yes, I’m relatively independent and I suppose with that comes some measure of maturity, and while I’m sometimes physically the oldest or nearly the oldest in my group of friends these days, in many ways I’m more on par with those who are a few years younger than me, I think especially when it comes to my interactions with other people. Not that that’s a bad thing, it just means I’m still learning much about myself and the people around me as time goes on, and that I’m not only not as “grown-up” as I thought I wanted to be, but I’m not as “grown-up” as I thought I was.
I read somewhere recently that people in their 20s stress more than their parents, just because of the uncertainties of this period of life. I believe it. I’ve experienced it firsthand. I have no doubt it will get to me again at some point, but I think I’m finally on track toward just enjoying the ride. I’m still experiencing disappointments and setbacks, and I’ve had a few very bad days here and there, but overall… I don’t know, I feel like I’m getting there. It’s a nice feeling.
I think this post from a popular blogger/cartoonist sums it up nicely. You might not want to be drinking anything while you read it though. It may be my new favorite thing: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Also, I could use some input from my few lovely readers. I’d like to start revamping this blog and giving it a little bit more definite direction other than “here’s what’s going on in my life and here’s what’s on my mind”, so if you’ve got any ideas I’d love to see them.
❤ jen
a singular confession.
I have been dumped a total of three times. Twice officially, once unofficially, but not unpainful. And let me tell you kids, it does not get easier to go through the more you do.
As I’ve discussed here a couple of times already, I have recently found myself unequivocally single once again in recent months. As expected, I cycled through the five stages of grief, some of which I went through with a little more passion than others.
I’m happy to report that I am now firmly in the “acceptance” stage, and it is here that I feel I might stay for a while.
You see, I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling like I was lacking something if I was lacking a relationship. Feeling as though I would never be complete without it. Putting things I wanted to do on hold in anticipation that maybe, just maybe, I might find a companion for those very things.
In the last couple of months, though, I’ve felt a real shift in my thinking. For the first time, I don’t feel like I “need” something other than to be happy with my circumstances. I’m not searching for anything. In many ways, I feel I’ve pulled out of the race entirely, and rather than finding it as depressing as I might have in the past, I’m starting to view it as a rather refreshing, freeing approach.
In short, I’m happy. Happier than I’ve felt in a while, and certainly happier on my own than I’ve probably ever been.
This was highlighted even more to me yesterday, on that particular day in which the world overemphasizes romance. Now, I’m not one for that day anyway, never have been for a multitude of reasons. But even so, when that fateful day approached each year that I found myself without a “significant other”, I couldn’t help but feel a little twinge of jealousy, loneliness, etc. Perfectly normal.
This year? This year that day fell only four months and twelve days after my last relationship ended. And can I just say, for the first time in a long time, and perhaps ever, I was entirely unfazed by the love that was in the air around me. For the first time, nothing about my surroundings made me wish I too were in love with anything other than life. And no, this is not just the brave face that some singletons put on when surrounded by love and romance in the world around them. This is the real deal, folks. I simply DO. NOT. CARE.
Does this mean I will never care again? Probably not. At this point I very seriously doubt there’s a “right one” out there for me, but sure, I’m still hoping someone proves me wrong on that. Sure, I’m still going to find myself attracted to someone here and there, and at some point in the future I’m sure I’ll even consider dating someone to whom I’m attracted once again. But I can’t even begin to describe what a relief it is not to be worrying about that stuff, to be content with it whether love happens for me or not, to be able to be happy for my settled friends while at the same time planning how much adventure I can fit into my very unsettled life.
I’m free falling, and it feels so good. Perfectly lonely? Nah, not even that. Just right. 🙂
❤ jen
splendiferous simplicity.
My life seems to be naturally heading in an uncluttered direction these days. I’m not entirely sure to what I should attribute this, but perhaps it’s part of my 2010 happiness experiment.
I’ve always been a bit of a packrat. Okay, more than a bit. When I moved from a large, two-bedroom apartment into a one-bedroom apartment about half its size in December, it called for some serious de-cluttering in order to have enough room just to fit my stuff and still be able to walk around. It was really quite difficult, but when all was said and done, it was pretty cleansing, fairly cathartic, and I was proud of the sacrifices I’d made. But, as one tends to do, in the time since then I’ve already collected more clutter and it’s tricky just to find places to put everything in this uber-tiny flat.
But at some point this past weekend, I looked around my apartment and felt this odd, I don’t know, detachment, from most of the things filling it. It’s a sensation I’ve never really experienced before; usually it’s a fight to force myself to get rid of something I don’t really need. But for the first time in I don’t know how long, if ever, the thought just ran through my mind that I would be okay with ridding myself of most of my stuff.
That doesn’t mean that I could get rid of everything. I do have some things that carry sentimental attachments, such as my grandmother’s painting that she gave me as a high school graduation gift, and the antique dresser that my mother restored and that will go back to her when I’m finished with it. I have several books that I could read over and over again and will probably never get rid of, but the rest of my overflowing bookshelf could go and I’d give it nary a second thought. I have some favorite clothing items, and shoes, and while I like all the others, I know I could get by with just my few favorites. I have some decorative things that yes, I selected carefully to reflect my taste and I would like to keep. But seriously, 80% of this stuff could go and I probably wouldn’t even think about it again.
It’s not just the stuff I already have, either. It’s the stuff I could have. I’ve been gradually training myself to spend less money on frivolous things and while I still have a way to go, I’m finding it much easier to say no to things that won’t further my existence in some way.
I’m even starting to think about simplifying my diet. It’s not just part of the every-year effort to “lose weight! get in shape!” It’s really more about being the healthiest I can be. After reading an article about it in one of my favorite fitness and health magazines, I picked up a new book called “The O2 Diet”. It’s not about “cut calories for two weeks and lose 20 pounds!” or “run five miles every day for two weeks and lose 20 pounds!” What intrigued me about it was that while the author says, yes, you will lose weight, her overall goal is to train people to eat healthily by considering the amount of antioxidants each food has and how that can help you attain a greater level of health, which let’s face it, is something we could all use, what with the crap we jam in our mouths every day. I’m only about 2 chapters in but the lists of foods were making my mouth water (unusual for a diet plan!) and I’m really excited to start it. It is the essence of simplicity: lots of fresh fruits and vegetables jazzed up with fun spices, nuts, and lean proteins. It’s the way people ate hundreds of years ago and the way we should all still be eating today. I can’t wait to see what it does for not only my looks but my well-being.
As I said, I’m not sure exactly where all this simplification has come from, apart from just my overall goal of self-improvement this year. A close friend and I are planning a trip to the UK next year, which I’m already SUPER excited about, and I’m sure I’ve directed my mind to put as many of my resources toward that goal as possible. In all honesty, I’ve wanted to move abroad for years, and I’ve reached a point where I feel like I’m ready to really look at ways to make that happen. That probably has something to do with all of this as well.
Maybe it’s just that I look at people who have relatively simple, carefree lives, and that lack of complication just seems to be a pathway to happiness, and I’m eager to get a little bit of that in my own life.
Either way, if you want to talk about cathartic, if you want to talk about cleansing and the things it can do for the mind, body and soul, well, I’m your girl.
dream on.
It seems that for many people, this is the year of getting things done. Nearly everyone I’ve talked to has major, major plans in the works, and I’ve gotta give them all mad props, yo.
No, but seriously. I just had a phone conversation with a good friend about how we are all in hyper-creative mode with the onset of 2010, and how we’re all determined to reach out for these things we have wanted for so long. So what is it? Is it the start of a new decade that’s inspired us? Is it finally realizing that we can’t rely on anyone else to make us happy but ourselves? Is it just an insatiable need to put something of ourselves out into the world around us?
Whatever it is, only a week and a half in, 2010 is shaping up to be something spectacular. I can’t wait to see what else is in store.
turn, turn, turn.
I’m a big fan of delineations in time. Each one makes it simple to make a fresh start. Slip up on your diet for a couple days? Monday’s a new week. Had a really crappy day at work? Get some rest and start over tomorrow. Didn’t achieve all the things you wanted to this month? Guess what? There’s another one right around the corner!
I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions, but I like to look at the beginning of each year as the ultimate fresh start. Okay, so I’m about a week behind on this, but it’s not too late to be talking about it.
At the end of 2008, after an emotionally turbulent year, I made a mark at the beginning of 2009 that it was going to be a really fresh start, that I was going to be happy no matter what.
That was made pretty easy from the get-go, as only a few weeks into 2009 I embarked on the adventure of a promising new relationship. Happiness for the next 6 months or so came completely naturally; I didn’t even have to think about it.
The whole happiness train, though, well, it got derailed and all cargo unloaded about 9 months in, when, at the end of September, the guy I’d been seeing, and was sure would continue to be in my life for the indeterminate future, decided there were some problems within our relationship that he simply didn’t believe we could work through, and that it was time to end it. I, as has seemed to be the norm in these kind of situations, did not agree. All I wanted was the opportunity to try to work through it. But that wasn’t to be. And so I felt all of my happiness slipping away and found myself at the bottom of an emotional ravine even lower than the funk I’d been in at the end of ’08. But that’s all neither here nor there.
As I’ve already blogged about here, I recently decided to seek some help, both from friends and family and medically. I’ve now been on anti-depressants for about a month, and for the first time in about 7 years, and a few weeks in I’m feeling the first glimmer of optimism again. I don’t mean that my view of the world and my place in it is back to being rose-colored, and the thought of even contemplating another relationship still makes me feel a bit sick at my stomach, but I’m no longer walking around like Marvin the “paranoid android” in Hitchhiker’s Guide.
And what good timing. Here we are at the start of yet another new year, heck, a new decade even (although I’m pretty sure that, as with Y2K not being the ACTUAL start of the century/millennium, that ’11 will be the actual mark of the new decade), and what better time to make a fresh start and take a new approach to my life? So, I’ve set a few goals for myself, for twenty-ten. First off, it’s time to truly learn to be happy with myself. I have a real bad habit of comparing myself with other people, whether it be my looks, my personality, my intelligence, my talents, etc., and in my own mind, I usually come out the lesser. Well, no more. It’s going to take some doing, but I’m determined to learn to actually like myself, to be my own friend. That includes a few sub-goals. It will involve taking better care of myself physically: I no longer want to be unrealistic about my body and my looks. I am never going to be a perfectly proportionate size 2 never weighing more than 120 pounds. Realistically, I’m probably never going to weigh less than 145 pounds (and I’ve got a ways to go to even get there). My body is simply comfortable at that kind of weight, and I don’t want to fight it, no matter how much I might long for long, slender legs that never have trouble squeezing and squishing into skinny jeans or tall, lean boots. I simply want to take care of what I’ve got, make exercise a real part of my daily routine, and perhaps get a little slimmer, sleeker and stronger along the way. That would be enough. Similarly, I’m always going to fight with my hair. It’s frizzy, it’s wild, and it loves to do its own thing. That’s okay. Most of the time, I love it, no matter how much I might envy my friends who have gorgeously sleek locks that fall effortlessly into place. Mine belongs to me, and that’s good enough. I don’t want to believe that I’m less valuable or attractive because I don’t fit into some ideal standard. That’s simply not true, and it’s time I truly accept it.
The second sub-goal is that I want to indulge my creativity. I’ve been itching to make things and do things for a long time, and I really want to spend this year focusing on that, developing my hobbies, whether it’s crafting/art/sewing, whether it’s writing, whether it’s music, whatever might strike me. I’m even hoping some of my creative ventures could turn into something profitable, which would just be a bonus. In keeping with that sub-goal, I’ve started a second blog: it-has-to-go.tumblr.com. This one will be a bit more frivolous than Quarterlife Confessions: no deep musings on life, love, and the ilk, but pictures of pretty things, projects I’m working on, etc. We’ll see how it goes.
Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, I am going to spend 2010 focusing on my spiritual side. I have a very strong faith, which those closest to me know but those outside my immediate circle may not be as aware of. I haven’t done enough to express that in my own life in recent months (and in fact have had a few setbacks in that part of my life, but that’s something I’m going to keep to myself for the time being), and I haven’t done enough to express it to those around me. Even when I’m not overtly talking about that, I want my entire life to show that THAT is the most important thing to me.
As far as I can tell, these are the biggest steps toward being happy with my own life, and as others can testify, it’s when you start taking those steps that the rest of life just seems to fall into place.
So here’s to a happier, healthier ought-ten. Here we go!
i just wanna be ok.
My new favorite quote: “I am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” — Augusten Burroughs
Those of you who follow me on Facebook/Twitter may have noticed that I’ve been a little less than happy over the last several days; okay, weeks. I have found myself sinking deeply into a bleak, hopeless, general feeling of malaise, and I’m finding it difficult to pull myself out of it. Since I’m a naturally pretty optimistic person, this freaks me out a little bit; I haven’t felt this way in a long time.
Not that it’s an entirely unfounded feeling. My most recent breakup has left me questioning my judgment, my ability to love and be loved fully and without limits of time, space or otherwise, and even–based on some closing comments from the ex–my own character. I don’t harbor any anger or resentment toward him, but some of the things he had to say criticized aspects of my personality that have left me wondering if there’s actually something wrong with who I am.
I’ve talked to friends, acquaintances, family members, even a few near-strangers about the issue and what I finally realized is that I’m talking myself in circles. Right now, no matter how much I try to recognize my own worth, no matter how much anyone tells me everything is going to be okay, I simply can’t wrap my brain around that concept right now. I have lost a good deal of hope; I have lost all faith in relationships, especially of the romantic kind, and my ability to trust someone fully, let someone in, become emotionally involved with someone, is eroding at an ever-quickening pace.
Over the weekend I freaked out a few people who care very much about me, by making a post on Facebook about having hit “rock bottom”. For the record, I would NEVER, ever do anything to hurt myself in any way. I have considered making myself scarce for a few days, but I would let those closest to me know first and let them know that I’d contact them when I returned so they wouldn’t worry needlessly. To me, harming myself, especially to the point of suicide, would be the ultimate selfish act, and while I’m only human and obviously have selfish tendencies, I fight them daily, with every fiber of my being. I love other people too much to hurt them in that way, no matter how many times or in what way other people may let me down.
What I meant by “rock bottom” was more about realizing that I couldn’t hide my depression anymore. I’ve been trying to keep it mostly to myself, putting on a happy face, making people think that in spite of a recent hurt I’m really doing just hunky-dory, thanks. But I’m not. And it is time to admit that I need help, that I can’t do it alone, and that I’ve never really felt more alone in my life, even if it comes from my own tendency to isolate myself when I’m feeling less than ideal. I finally reached out to my family, to some of my closest friends, and others, and told them how much I needed them. It was not easy for me to do. I don’t like admitting when I need help.
I also took a big step toward recovery this morning by making a doctor’s appointment. As I told my general physician, I don’t think I’m in need of “intensive psycho-therapy”, I think my blase feelings and lack of ability to pull myself out of them are a mix of circumstances and likely a chemical imbalance. The breakup was a catalyst, and I’m still grieving that, of course, but even more than that it has brought to light some other issues that I thought I had dealt with but hadn’t. Right now I feel like giving up on several things. I don’t like feeling that way. I’m not one to admit defeat. I just need a little help to get up from where I slipped on that gravel and climb back up to where I was. I miss my happy, bubbly self. She’ll be back. She’s just on an extended vacation.
<3jen
notorious.
I should get something out of the way right now, right up front, before we really get to know each other.
I have a nasty little habit of starting things and not finishing them. I was thinking about this very thing the other day when a friend IM’ed me on Facebook and asked if I could give her a little pep talk on not finishing what she started when it came to various creative pursuits. I, of course, told her that I didn’t know how much advice I could offer, but I would certainly be happy to commiserate.
Take blogging, for example. This is at least the third or fourth blog I’ve started over the last few years, one of which I gave an identical title to this one, just on a different blog host site. Lovely. All have long since been abandoned and I’m not entirely sure I even remember my passwords on each individual site. But THIS time. This time, I keep telling myself, I’m going to keep up with it! Oh, sure, it may morph into something else eventually. Heck, I may abandon this particular blog altogether and start something else entirely. But I now have the resources to blog, and there seems to be no reason not to give it a real shot.
So why the title, you may be wondering? I’m not looking to give myself any sort of direction, at least not yet, but it seems an appropriate way to describe what I’ll most likely write about most of the time. Quarterlife, obviously, because I’m firmly in my mid-twenties, which generally marks about a quarter of one’s life. Confessions, well, those of you who are in your twenties know the confusion that comes along with it and sometimes leads to brutal honesty, either with yourself, others or both. I’m single, I live alone in my third apartment (although it’s in the same building as the second) save for my two cats, I’ve been at my current job for just under two years, and I’m still trying to figure out what’s next for me, what’s possible for me. Those of you in my generation, I know you can relate. Those of you past your twenties, congratulations. I wouldn’t wish this time period on you again, no matter how much I disliked you. Those who haven’t gotten here yet, well, just wait. It’s coming.
So unless I gain a more specific focus (or, as I said, completely jump ship on this particular blog), my goal here is to share the funny, sad, exciting, , utterly ridiculous moments of this crazy little quarterlife. I hope you can find a little something to relate to, or at the very least relive a bit of your own roaring twenties.
<3jen
quarterlife confessions. 